Back to December
by caskettshipper3
Summary: Three shot song fic. AU. Beckett turned Rick's proposal down and left for D.C. instead. When she realizes she's made a terrible mistake, what will happen? Who will she turn to? Will it be too late?
1. Chapter 1

_**Just a little plot bunny that hopped it's way Into my head**_

* * *

She smiled at herself. First time in a long time.

She'd spent the last months alternating between hating herself, crying alone, and sheilding her emotions behind being an agent. She's thought that being a fed was a dream of hers. Thought it was going to make her happier somehow. It turns out it only made her more miserable. The blurred and gray lines of government business had her feeling broken and bound. Now she was free. She'd resigned from the agency and already set up her reinstatement to the NYPD.

She was heading to meet him. She'd called and left him a message about her being back in town. Said she would love to see him again. After two days of more self hate and worrying, he called her back and arranged for them to meet at the old haunt.

She had arrived. There was no turning back. Sitting in their favorite booth at his bar, she couldn't help but hope he still loved her. Her thoughts were interrupted by the booth moving. She opened her eyes (when had she closed them?) And looked across from her. And there he was, looking more handsome then ever. His jaw was set square, he looked really buff (had he been working out?), and his eyes, oh God she could drown in his eyes. _Okay Beckett stop staring and speak._

"I'm so glad you made time to see me." A nod? Only a nod?

"How's life? Martha? Alexis?"

"Uhhh life's really great. Alexis is doing great in college. She might even be able to graduate early." Good an actual response. "And of course you know my mom: wild, crazy, always with another date."

"And you?" His face dropped to discomfort. What'd she say?

"Uh... I-I'm not really into uh... dating much." That's what he thought she was asking? She couldn't help the laugh that broke free.  
"I was NOT asking THAT. I meant how are you?"

"Oh," he awkwardly chuckles "well, yeah I'm doing great! Book sales are doing amazing and the fans are good as always." This time she nods.

"Anything... new?" She knows she's fishing. He knows it too. But while she's just destroyed her wall, he's built one up.

"Weather's pretty good." Oh, gosh. They've been reverted to weather talk! She can't help, but blame herself.

_"Katherine Houghton Beckett, will you marry me?"_

_"Oh my God! Oh my God, you're proposing!"_

_"Okay, you're surprised."_

_"Of course I'm surprised. Castle, I got the job!"_

_"In D.C.?"_

_"Yes! And I-I can't do this."_

_"Do what?"_

_"This! Playing house with 'the Richard Castle' until he gets over his thing with law enforcement?" _

_"No, Kate wait-" _

_"No Castle! No." Then she leaves, never to return._

"Well, I've gotta get going." He says and disappointment sets in.

"So soon?" She tries to tamp down the kicked puppy look.

"Yeah, I'm picking Alexis up in a bit. Little celebratory dinner for her Costa Rica return."

"Oh okay." She couldn't hide her disappointment.

"It was good to see you again Kate."

"Uh... yeah you too." She reached for a hug, but he stuck out his hand. She shook his hand, but it lacked the warmth their "secret handshake" once had.

He turned to leave. Oh, but he couldn't. She needed him. He couldn't walk away now. SO THIS IS ME SWALLOWING MY PRIDE STANDING IN FRONT OF YOU SAYING I'M SORRY FOR THAT NIGHT. I'LL GO BACK TO DECEMBER ALL THE TIME. The words wrung in her head and the urge to spit them out was strong. So strong that she couldn't stop the words that actually DID tumble from her mouth.

"Can I call you?"

"Huh?" He turned to her.

"Can uh, can I maybe... call you sometime or like stop by later. Say hey to the girls?" He chuckled. Oh damn him and that smile.

"Yeah, sure. Same number, same address."

"Kay, bye."

"Bye Kate."

TURNS OUT FREEDOM AIN'T NOTHING BUT MISSING YOU WISHING I'D REALIZED WHAT I HAD WHEN YOU WERE MINE. I'D GO BACK TO DECEMBER ALL THE TIME.

She'd tell him, but she would give him space. Maybe this meeting shook him just as much as it did her. Maybe his heart had wanted to leap out of his chest too. Maybe his pulse rate was up way higher than thought possible.

Yeah, maybe. Just maybe.


	2. Chapter 2

She had tossed and turned about 300 times already, but she couldn't seem to get to sleep.

These days she hadn't been sleeping. Everytime she closed her eyes, she ended up playing back herself leaving. The memory burned into her corneas and she couldn't shake it free. She flipped back over and stared at her phone. Picking it up, she realized her cell wallpaper was still the same: him sitting in the ferrari, the sun shining perfectly on his golden brown locks.

She had snapped the picture while watching him laugh from the passenger side. She'd realized she loved him shortly after, in the fall. Then the cold came, and all those dark days when fear had crept into her mind. It still made her heart ache. He gave her all his love and all she gave was "goodbye".That's why she texts him. It's simple and uncomplicated, a complete contradiction of herself.

_Hi_

She waits for a reply, though she wouldn't be surprised if he didn't answer. Had he hurt her the way she hurt him, she'd be doing much more than ignoring his texts and calls. Giving him clipped answers during conversations and cold, emotionless goodbyes. Her eyes stare at the screen, begging it to come alive with a text from him, and it does.

**Hey, what are you still doing up?**

_Nothing just mentally stalking you and pining over you like a teenage girl._ She can't send that, doesn't have the guts to, so she deletes it and tries again. _Nothing, just can't sleep. You use to always help me with that I figured... never mind it was silly. You should get some sleep_

God, she's an idiot! What was she thinking? They'd have some kind of special heart to heart and he'd miraculously take her back? Of course not. She shouldn't have left and now she's just punishing herself. She does deserve it though. Her phone dinging saves her from verbally abusing herself some more.

**No, it's fine. I'm not doing anything. What's on your mind?**

Her heart flutters at the chance that he still cares. This time she is brave enough to respond how she wants. _You._

She stares at the phone screen for ten minutes with no reply. She pushed it. She got eager and read the signs wrong and she pushed it. Now he was shutting down and she was losing him. Ugh, she should just bite her tongue until it falls off.

**Really?**

She can't tell if it's caring or snarky, sarcastic or hopeful, but she's throwing caution to the wind now. What does she have to lose? She could say him, but how do you lose something you don't have?

_All I've thought about since I left was you. You probably don't believe more or don't care, but it's true. I made a stupid mistake and I'll never be able to say sorry enough._

It might be going to far, but she needs to get it off her chest somehow.

**Kate, please don't do this to me. I can't feel that hurt. Not again.**

And that's all it takes for her to jump out of bed, grab her keys and phone and head straight to his apartment. She can't do this over text. Can't profess how much she's in love with him with computerized fonts and auto corrected phrases. No. How she feels must come straight from her heart.

She's going over there.

* * *

_**Sorry this took so long.**_

_**It's probably crappy. Writer's block is a b!+($ #%**_

_**Anyways...**_

_**Love Always,XOXOX**_


End file.
